Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
