What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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