I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
