I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
