i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize