Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
