I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
