took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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