she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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