Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
