When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
