went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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