I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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