just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
