i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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