I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
