The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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