im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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