Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
