Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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