so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
false alarm. still invincible.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize