So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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