I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
