Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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