So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
