she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
