i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
