Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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