Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
