I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
