I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
