How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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