Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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