my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize