I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
