So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
