so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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