i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I love you.
Bad choice
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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