I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
