girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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