I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize