SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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