Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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