Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
