fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
