Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize