shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
