he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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