when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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