Your dad touched me again.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
