I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
