Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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