Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
