I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
