I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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