I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
