I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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