Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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