btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
