I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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