I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
