I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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