Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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