did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
