I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
im holly from the hills drunk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
