What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
